Happy Coach

How a wrong concept fools our understanding and behavior

I often hear people saying: “I love this or that, I love her or him.” Everybody is in love with something. But being in love with somebody is clearly a different from true genuine love, which I feel is very rare sometimes.

What people are actually saying instead of loving somebody is that they are being infatuated by them. Infatuation is something very common, something normal, which most people (including me) have experienced already. But it is definitely not love!

The state of being infatuated comes from an emotion, it is a feeling that can sabotage our minds.
In my opinion true genuine love is not a feeling – it is a constant parameter and a natural component like the air surrounding us.
The comparison between air and love makes total sense. Both are invisible but we need them in order to live.
Unfortunately the same way as our air – love – is getting more and more polluted.
There are many reasons for it, I could and probably will write a book about the topic.
In this short article I want to concentrate on the confusion between infatuation and love. The misunderstanding that is so spread around our Western society when people talk about love.

I have to start with my own experience to explain the difference. I have been infatuated by many women in my life. Some of those I believed to have loved quite deeply. In retrospect, I understand that this was a rather infantile look at love. The emotion of liking another human being is crazy in a good and a bad way. It can make us feel like walking on sunshine in one moment and feeling like the worst piece of crap in another moment.
Those feelings are clear indicators of being in an emotional state and leaning more towards infatuation than love.
Believe me I have been in that movie so many times up to a point where I was seriously questioning my sanity.
Before I go on I have to point out two prerequisites that I believe are most important for genuine love:

1. Self-Love
2. Independency

Self-Love is a big term and again there could be and have been books written about it. In my point of view it is the total non-judgemental self-acceptance. You need to be able to live with yourself in peace even at the worst times.

In a certain way, independency builds on Self-Love. When you realize that you do not need anyone else – but you – for being happy that is a huge step. With those two ingredients you have the perfect necessities to cook yourself a nice love-stew.

So many relationships – and even attempts for one – fail clearly because of people being selfish and not self-loving but instead are infatuated and obsessed with their encounter. That is very dangerous and most likely a one way road towards a break up.

Being alone in today´s world with its endless offers and temptations is surely not easy. But it is very important to build a prosperous relationship with someone.
When I look at my past relationships I ask: Why did it not work out? Of course, being immature is one aspect but the bigger factor in my mind is the confusion between infatuation and love. To clarify: it is the wrong understanding of genuine love because so often it is pure infatuation.

A lot of it has to do with our very superficial – but so much cared about – physical appearance. Everything is hot and beautiful and sexy. That is what media tells us, it is what everyone wants. Do not get me wrong here – I always like the most beautiful women.
But it has also blinded me many times and given me a reason to be infatuated with them.
So I want to point out that beauty the way we get to know it in our 20´s and probably 30´s is something which is implanted in our brains since we were children.¹
But elder people that built a relationship for 40, 50+ years would probably agree that it is not the main reason to love somebody just because they look good.

The cheesy but often used phrase: “True beauty comes from within.” nails the pin. People who realized that they first have to love themselves deeply with all their flaws and weaknesses – and can also be independent – will probably attract a person with the same understanding; and that can lead to a genuine and loving relationship.

Most of us go through these experiences in life and of course those are important. But I wish there would be a school class or a TV show that teaches children and teenagers an understanding of the difference between infatuation and love.
Next time you meet somebody special ask yourself: Why do I like this person?
If the answer is, because she or he is physically attractive maybe you want to think about it again.

Other reasons for infatuation besides beauty and lack of Self-Love are neediness and low self-esteem. Neediness is often linked to low self-esteem. I think to a certain amount humans need physical touch and emotional affection. But we should never depend on them.

People with low self-esteem become easier vulnerable and sensible for it and therefore become needy. In an exaggerated way that is very dangerous for the emotional well-being and a seed for future infatuation.
In order to make the transition from beauty-blinded and emotional-drifted infatuation to deep genuine love there are some things to consider.
I think one factor that cannot be taught is the experience of past relationships. Along with those often comes the pain or real heartache. If we do not turn completely numb from the pain and heartache, it can actually help to get an insight on the things that went wrong.
This insight is very important for the transition.
Because only when you realize and understand your wrong conception of love – it will lead you to a deeper understanding.
I wish everyone to have this insight and realization that we are often fooled by our emotions.
Our brain is very clever but it has the ability to trick us also.

When it comes to love there are no games, no jealousy no heart-ache, no pain just a quiet and always surrounding energy that connects you with your partner but also yourself.

Like air, love is essential to live and it is the purest when it is clean and completely free from pollution.

ONE LOVE!